Hoover
"With friends like these, who needs enemies."
A Hoover is a narcissistic person (often a woman, can be a guy) who, during (or after) a breakup and wants to get back together with their former lover.[1] The name Hoover is in reference to a famous vacuum cleaner brand. These narcissist are rather good at sucking a former lover back into a relationship.
Causes
Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's idealized self image and attributes.[2] Narcissist don't like to feel vulnerable or lonely, and the prospect of being out of a relationship scares them. Wanting to avoid feeling vulnerable, they will attempt to re-enter a relationship days or weeks after a break-up.
Hoovers can be the ones who break up the relationship, but is more likely their partner has.
Five Fears
The actions of a hoover (hoovering) is caused by primitive psychological fears that existed long before the break-up occurred. Their fears are centered on one (or all) of five fears:
- The fear of “abandonment.”
- Loss of control over others.
- Loss of resources (e.g., money, social status).
- Feeling or appearing inferior or inadequate.
- Public exposure.
Symptoms
It is rather easy to determine a hoover. Your relationship with them is rather toxic, they are quite mean and undermine you every chance they get. Nothing you do for them is good enough. When it looks like the relationship is about to end, their behavior changes and they become more agreeable. They may act more loving and kind towards you. They want you to give them another chance, and the fact that they've changed their personality is indication they're ready to change. This change is short-term, and can last up to a year (at best) before they return back to their selfish ways.
During breakups, they are likely to try to convince you to get back together, often telling you what you want to hear or making promises to change.
Types
Preemptive Hoover
A preemptive hoover is a narcissist who will see that the relationship is likely to end, and will do whatever they can to keep it from happening. This often results in a drastic change in personality, going from toxic to being nice. This can also be done through making promises of changing and doing extra actions to please their partner, whether it is giving a blow job or buying them gifts. Anything they can do to keep the relationship going.
A preemptive hoover might well be the first to admit that they are wrong for each other and they shouldn't continue on with their friends, but their fear of not being in a relationship outweighs all logic.
Delayed Hoovers
While most hoovers occur right before a break-up, or during; some hoovers can be a delayed hoover. A delayed hoover can return months or years after a relationship, likely that they just ended a relationship with someone (or are about to). Fearing being lonely, they go after someone they feel they can manipulate back into a relationship, indicating the time away has allowed them to change. They are likely to have done this with many of their exes until they find one that will take the bait.